HOMESICK

Not really home sick, just have those days where I miss good old Virginny. I continue to check local news there, until I get a better feel for the media out here. I went through this when we first moved to Miami too.

I have a job again, and started what you could call an abbreviated academy class on Monday to familiarize myself with local and state codes/laws. I should be back on the streets the first week of May. Of course Mick is happy, because I was driving her batty at home all day long. She's hardly home as it is, but she has been local the last two weeks.

Anyway, I continue to read the "Watercooler" section of WTOP.com, which is a collection of freaky news gathered from around the country via the AP and Reuters. Here are some stories that had me laughing tonight (my thoughts in green):

Man late for flight claims to be air marshall -- MIAMI (AP) - Authorities say a man running late for a flight flashed a fake police badge to airline workers and claimed to be an air marshal so they would let him through the gate. Miami-Dade police said a 49-year-old man was booked on a flight to Los Angeles Wednesday night, but the gate had already closed and the plane was departing. After he showed the fake badge and claimed to be an air marshal, employees stopped the plane and let him board.

But real air marshals already on the plane recognized his fake badge and kicked him off.

Not content with avoiding arrest, police said the man went to an airport bar and began loudly complaining about missing his flight. That's when airport police arrested him.

The man was charged with impersonating a law enforcement officer.

Fucking idiot. After 20+ years, I still can't believe people like this exisit. Impersonators really don't seem to understand the implications of what they are doing, and the dangers associated with it. I hope he gets a hard core Republican judge.

Man pleads no contest in vacuum sex act case -- SAGINAW, Mich. (AP) - A man has pleaded no contest to indecent exposure after police said he was arrested for performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum. The Saginaw News reported 29-year-old Jason Leroy Savage entered the plea Wednesday...

One of those stories where I wish the writer could publish his story unfiltered, and uncencorsed. Like, Man found fucking vacuum hose to embarrassed to plea innocent or guilty. What's worse is, this guy will probably have to register as a sex offender now. Hide your vacuums! Guess his home vacuum lacked suck-tion.

Street signs for Mullet Place keep disappearing -- GREEN BAY, Wis. (AP) - The hairstyle is short on the top and long in the back, and in Green Bay the mullet has it's very own street signs _ at least when the signs haven't been stolen. Mullet Place may not be named for the kind of hair design that became popular a few decades ago, but fans apparently like to grab the signs anyway because they disappear several times a year.

Ahh...the CLASSIC 80's hairstyle. Yes, Alien Tim had a mullet from 1986 to 1988, before realizing how creepy they really are. They make men look moist.

In one more day, the hair growth itching starts. Wish me luck in holding out until it stops.

LENT

My wife was raised Catholic, as most Italians are, but pretty much said "fuck you" to the system when she turned 18. Basically my wife is about as religious as I am. And I am about as religious as a rock.

Every year that we have been married, my mother-in-law would call to see what we would be doing for Lent. Every year Mick made something up, and we went on with out lives. This year however, we can't hide. We live less than 30 minutes from Mick's parents, and she feels compelled to give up something for Lent to avoid parental harassment.

So for Lent, Mick is giving up Starbucks, and steak. Today she urged me to give up something, to which I replied "what the hell for?!". I'm not Catholic. I'm not anything. If I worship anyone as a god, it would be Arthur Guinness, the creator of said beer. Or The Murphy family, who gave me my beloved Murphy's Stout.

Give up beer then, she said. What? Are you fucking kidding me? Give up beer to observe a religious ritual that sounds like it was named after something I pull out of my pockets?! I think not. But after threatening me with you know what...precisely a lack of you know what...I came to decision to give something up. I'm not going to shave for 40 days. I shaved my head clean of everything but my eyebrows yesterday to kick it off. Threatening me with sexual depravity is like backing a wounded animal into a corner. I made a desperation move that will end in me looking like Grizzly Adams.

SOCKS

Everyone knows me to be a cat lover. It's also well known I was, actually still am, a big fan of Bill Clinton. So it saddens me to report the passing of "Socks the Cat" Clinton.

Best known for posing on his favorite perch, Bill's shoulder, Socks had free run of the White House during Bill's tenure. He was know to show up at press conferences, and state dinners alike. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that "Socks" bore witness to some of Bill's other extracurricular activities too. ;) CNN article here ---> SOCKS

Peace out Socks!

ABUNDANCE

Abundance is good when it comes to things like cash, or sex, or cash...or...well...sex. But abundance can have adverse effects when it involves idle or spare time. I have an abundance of spare time, and I think I have reached the end of the internet.

Whats left? My thoughts. Now that is fucking scary. You see there are many forms of "scary", but "fucking scary" is 10 on scale of 10. Take my warped mind and add time, and you get fucking scary. Ask Mick. She intends to start her own blog soon, so you can go ask her about it then. I'll provide the link when she has it set up.

Anyone who remembers my old blog, will know that I had purchased a XBOX 360 several months back. I played it for like a month. Puffed my chest at challenges from Thinkinfyou, and generally made a fool of myself by getting my ass kicked by 12 year old's playing a game completely inappropriate for a 12 year old to be playing.

Well, I unpacked the 360 over the weekend, and decided to give it another go. I bought a game...delay that...got scammed out of $40 for game galled Grand Theft Auto IV. The game was sold to me by my wife's 14 year old nephew, because he was scared his parents would find out that he had it. After playing it, I thought about turning him in. I have decided not to though, because at least the kid is being raised right if he was scared to be in possession of this foul piece of entertainment.

That said, you would think I have a problem with the game. You would be wrong. On the contrary, I am completely hooked on this game, and have already had one 13 hour marathon session with it. Not to mention several hours here and there since last Saturday.

Some people might think I'm crazy, but I would allow my nephew to have this game if he were my kid. I got by on 20+ years using reverse psychology on the job, and would have applied it with this game. I've read a lot of negative reviews about this game from parents because of it's content. But I found the content, at it's core, is nothing more than an indictment of this worlds social ills. Add excellent voice acting, and high production values, and you have a pretty powerful teaching tool. Not to mention one hell of an addictive game.

I'm not saying I would buy the game for my kid if I had a kid, and just let him run loose with it. I'm saying I would use it as a teaching tool by playing the game with my kid. You could teach a child some serious life lessons using this game as a tool, rather than waste your time bitching and complaining about the people who made it.

Now is that fucking scary, or what? You can find a Wiki fact sheet on the game here--->GTAIV.

MAN MYTH PROVEN

Mick is having a really bad period month. Every other month is a bad one, and I have learned the cycles, and learned to just keep quiet and stay out of the way. She did tack something on the frig today, that she found online. It made me laugh my ass off, and get nervous all at the same time.

• Your last name stays put.
  
• The garage is all yours.
  
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  
• Chocolate is just another snack.
  
• You can be President.
  
• You can never be pregnant.
  
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  
• The world is your urinal.
  
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  
• Same work, more pay.
  
• Wrinkles add character.
  
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  
• New shoes don't cut blister or mangle your feet.
  
• One mood all the time.
  
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  
• You know stuff about tanks.
  
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  
• You can open all your own jars.
  
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
  
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
  
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
  
• You can play with toys all your life.
  
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
  
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
  
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Guilty as charged. I think I'll just stay locked in the den for the next few days.

REBOOT THIS

Batman has been rebooted, Star Trek is being rebooted, The Hulk has been rebooted...twice! Now I hear they want to reboot Superman too!? Didn't they just reboot that tight wearing freak? How about this. Reboot Hollywood!

There are a ton of great books, and graphic novels out there just waiting to be paired with the right directors and writers. I personally enjoy the Frank Miller graphic novel spin-offs to film. All done on relatively small budgets by Hollywood standards. Ridley Scott, my all time favorite director, has done masterpeice work with some great old sci-fi novels. But these works are to few, and to far between for my taste.

Some actors are getting a clue. Forgoing their huge salaries for these smaller budgeted films because I think they actually enjoy...gasp...making movies, as opposed to drawing a Tom Cruise pay check. Some examples of this are the aforementioned Frank Miller's Sin City with Bruce Willis, and one of my personal favorites Bill Murray in "Lost in Translation". I can't even look at a picture of Tom Cruise without chuckling to myself what a freak this guy is. It's even more painful for me that he's entered into a movie making collaboration with the hated owner of my beloved Redskins, and I have to see his fake ass poser mug on TV from the owners box from time to time.

My wife likes the Twilight books, but she says they royally fucked up the movie based on the first book. They are a little to "girly goth" for my taste, but that is an example of taking something a lot of women, goth or not, love, and spending cheaply to rake in millions. I understand your plight ladies. My wife has a busy schedule, and I pick up the domestic slack. I notice things like how much more you pay for fewer razor blades, than men pay for more blades to shave with. It's bullshit, just like the movies.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I do have a dream to share with ya'll:

Mick and I were in the midst of our cross country move, and we had to camp in a Virginia state park while waiting to leave. In the park there were some recently discovered Roman ruins, and we set up camp there. We let Nyx run free, and she hunted down some pigmy deer, dragged them back to our camp, and we ate them for dinner.

I noticed something brustling around in the bushes near our camp site, and found a white and black spotted hawk in there. It was injured, and hopping around behind the bushes. I had the number to the "Raptor Protection League" in my cell phone, so I called them to retrieve the hawk. In the mean-time I rounded up some field mice, and took them to the hawk, who ate them up.

Someone from the Raptor League arrived as I was feeding the hawk field mice. They ran over and grabbed all of the remaining mice from me, got back into their car, and sped off. I woke pissed off about that.

CHECK PLEASE...WELL...MAYBE NOT

Having so much time off between jobs has helped me reach the end of the internet nearly every night. I haven't posted much since the move, but I've been on-line constantly.

Tonight Mick and I went out to dinner with her parents, two sisters, and a close friend of the family, at Madrona Manor. We all ordered from the tasting menu, and I paid the chef the highest possible comment I am capable of when all was said and done..."Taste so good, it makes me want to run home and slap my momma!". Of course I would really never slap my mother, but chef understood the high praise I had extended. I also drank 2 bottles of wine, which I am paying for as I type this.

Then I made the bold step of offering to pay for the meal. I told the in-laws since they were always paying for dinners when we visit, they should allow us to treat them in the spirit of living closer to them now. Mick's eyes got huge, and she choked down a gulp of water. My father in-law flashed a huge smile, slid the bill my way, tapping it with his finger smuggley as if to say "There you go, dumb-ass.". A few minutes later, I woke up on my back, with Mick fanning me with a menu.

Now Mick and I are not poor by any stretch. But we are not filthy rich either. She is paid well for her job. I was paid a public servants salary that needed constant enhancement through overtime work. Right now I'm just burning sick time and vacation time, which means I'm seeing checks worth a 40 hour week. So when I looked at the bill, and saw it was about as much as my last weeks worth of pay, I really did almost pass out.

How the fuck do rich people stay rich, eating at places like this?!